


budapest and lemon zest

by Nazezdha321



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Fic, Fluff, Happy Birthday Lindsay!!, Humor, I don't think this is what stan lee intended, Inflation is no joke kids, and civil war never happened, canon? Who's she?, the avengers got their shit together, you know ao3's tagging system is messed up when you can go on for three pages in the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:02:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25027384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nazezdha321/pseuds/Nazezdha321
Summary: The real reason why the Avengers have their groceries delivered.In which Tony is overwhelmed by the chaos of his teammates, Natasha is always right, Clint eats junk food and junk food only (also bacon), Steve would like to talk to whoever milks almonds, Bruce has coupons, and Peter's just trying to help out with the shopping.Featuring Clint and Natasha's vague Budapest references and a whole lot of brands to which I mean no copyright infringement.
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Avengers Team, Clint Barton & Avengers Team, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Natasha Romanov & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers & Avengers Team, Thor & Avengers Team, Tony Stark & Avengers Team
Comments: 15
Kudos: 78





	budapest and lemon zest

**Author's Note:**

> A million thank yous to @misinterpretedmythology on tumblr!! I saw this post of theirs: 
> 
> https://misinterpretedmythology.tumblr.com/post/622005173606285312/there-is-a-reason-the-avengers-have-their
> 
> and I knew I had to make it a fic! I tried to include as many references to your original dialogue as possible, and I hope you like it!
> 
> Also, happy birthday Lindsay!! I know you don't follow Avengers as much but I had to write something for your birthday so I present to you this ridiculous one-shot:

This time, it was all Tony's fault. He _knew_ bringing two assassins, a supersoldier from the 1940s, a god, a teenager, and a scientist who occasionally transformed into a giant green rage monster (giving a whole new meaning to anger management issues) into the local grocery store sounded like the start of a bad joke. What was worse was that Natasha had warned him against it - _I have been shopping with Clint once. That was Budapest. If you bring the Avengers to Safeway, you are going to have that mess times one thousand_ \- and so Tony really had no excuse. 

He was still curious about Budapest, though. 

"Steve, it's called _inflation_ ," Tony explained, gesturing to the price tag on a gallon of milk. 

Steve held up the gallon. "I know what inflation is! This is a _four dollar gallon of milk!_ Do you know much money a gallon of milk was in 1945? Sixty-three cents. _Sixty-three cents,_ Tony!" 

"Uhh, Mr. Stark?" Peter asked. 

Tony turned to him, exasperated with Steve's shock at the price of milk. "Yeah?" 

Peter brought out his arms from behind his back. He was holding a basketful of Top Ramen. "They have a new shrimp flavor!" 

"Kid, that has no nutritional value - " Tony began, but he was interrupted by Natasha shouting,

" _Clinton! I found the bacon aisle!_ " 

Clint appeared from the middle of the Pringles shelf (Tony had no idea what went on in his brain). He leaped over several astounded shoppers' carts and managed to clear a few boxes of Little Debbie's Swiss Rolls that were being restocked. He landed next to Nat with a box of Swiss Rolls in one hand and a can of Barbecue Pringles in the other. 

"Did you say bacon?" 

"What the _fu_ \- " Tony nearly shouted before Bruce tapped him on the shoulder absentmindedly. 

"There are kids here," he said before going back to the tea aisle and picking up several boxes, comparing the prices. "They're all good, but this one is cheaper..." 

"I'm rich," Tony assured him. "You can buy - "

"Friend Tony!" exclaimed Thor as he dragged two shopping carts, one full of Pop Tarts with Mjolnir strapped into the child seat at the front of the cart, and the other full of Pretzel Pop Tarts, which were endorsed by a smiling Jonathan Van Ness in a glittery blue pretzel Pop Tarts crop top. "We shall feast upon the Pop of Tarts tonight!" 

Steve paced back and forth behind Thor's carts with Silk Almond Milk in his hand. "How do you get milk from an _almond?"_

"Can we get cheese sticks, Mr. Stark?" Peter asked tentatively, holding up a package. 

Natasha grinned, clearly enjoying the chaos. She mouthed _told you_ at Tony before asking, "Can we get pudding?" 

Clint smacked the package out of her hands, looking highly offended. "We are a chocolate Jell-O only household!" 

"Chocolate Jell-O _is_ pudding, you idiot!" 

"Mr. Stark!" Peter shouted excitedly, jumping up and down. "Cheetos are on sale! They haven't been on sale for _months_ , Ned and I were worried we'd have to find a new snack food once his supply ran out..." 

"Peter," Tony began, but he was distracted by Bruce pulling out a coupon book. 

"I know I have a coupon for tea cookies _somewhere,_ " he muttered under his breath as he flipped through the pages, some advertising half-off for Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper, and others with the bright labels of Nutri-Grain Breakfast Bars and a promising 20% off. 

" _How do you milk rice?_ " Steve whispered, mortified as he stared at the Rice Dream carton. 

"Tasha," Clint muttered, pulling out a package of Lightlife Smart Bacon. "I think this is _vegan bacon_." 

"It's healthier than normal bacon." 

"But it's not bacon!" 

"Bruce," Tony announced, completely done with the conversation. "I am a billionaire. As in, I have ridiculous amounts of money. Give your coupons to someone else and buy whatever tea you want. Okay?" Bruce looked surprised but dutifully handed off his coupon book to a nearby elderly man, who smiled gratefully and turned to a young woman, presumably his daughter, excitedly showing her the pages and gesturing to Bruce. 

Bruce grabbed a box of tea off the shelf and put it in one of Thor's shopping carts. 

"Same goes for you," Tony explained to Peter. "Buy your junk food and snacks and whatever, just... remember to eat something healthy." Peter nodded, gleefully grabbing the Cheetos and a few candy bars, as well as fruit and Top Ramen (Tony still wasn't entirely sure if he understood how bad instant ramen was for you, but he decided to take what he had). 

"Thank you, Mr. Stark!" 

Tony turned to Steve, then paused, unsure of how to explain rice milk.

"People are always inventing 'healthier' alternatives to food that's just fine how it is and charging you more for it," Clint said with disdain, glaring pointedly at the vegan bacon. 

"Or maybe they're vegetarians. Allergic to dairy. Restricted by religion. You know," Nat added, "people that need milk but not necessarily dairy milk. For example, some people can't eat regular bacon but they like bacon, hence the vegan bacon." 

"Huh," Steve said, setting the cartons back in the refrigerator. "Food has really changed since the 1940s." 

"Thor, you might want to cut back on the Pop Tarts," Clint said. Tony (almost) smiled at him as Thor asked, 

"Do human beings not typically savor the many flavorings of such delicacies?" 

"Um... not all at one time? Maybe grab a few boxes and leave behind the others to try another time?" Peter suggested. "I recommend brown sugar cinnamon and strawberry, but my friend MJ likes the chocolate pretzel ones because apparently they taste like a remnant of her tortured childhood. I'm not sure how that's a good thing." 

Thor nodded hesitantly, transfixed by the chocolate pretzel Pop Tarts. "Many thanks, spiderling. Perhaps you can introduce me to the god of pretzel Pop Tarts?" 

"You mean Jonathan Van Ness?" Bruce asked. 

"We'll show you Queer Eye once we get back to the Tower," Clint promised. 

Steve said, "Queer Eye's on the list, so I might watch it with you." 

Tony turned to the duo of unimaginable chaos that was Clint and Natasha. "I don't know what happened in Budapest, but - " 

" - Clint is not allowed inside of grocery stores ever again," Natasha finished. Tony gestured to her twelve Nutella jars. Her eyes narrowed. "You will have to pry my Nutella out of my cold, dead hands, understood?" 

"Are we ready to check out?" Peter asked. 

"How does one... 'check out'?" Thor wondered. 

Tony's eyes widened in panic. "You know what, why don't you all go ahead and I'll check out." 

"See? Just like Budapest," he heard Nat say to Clint. 

"You're never going to stop hanging that mystery over the heads of our teammates and using it in situations that have nothing to do with the actual op, are you?" Clint whispered. 

"Never." 

**Author's Note:**

> Again, thank you to @misinterpretedmythology on tumblr for letting me write this off of your post, and thanks everyone for reading! Please leave kudos/comments if you feel this merits them! 
> 
> Lindsay --> happy birthday!! I hope you have a great day <3


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